Milk is good for you. No, milk is bad for you.

Alcohol is bad for you. No, alcohol is good for you.

And so on.

But my favorite controversy is about anger, which used to be my normal emotion.

About a year ago my local paper ran an article that said, in part, “If you’re mad and you show it, you might just live longer than those who simply seethe, [according to] new findings from an ongoing study….” That’s what I always told those who were around when I blew my top: “I’m just letting off steam; it’s better than bottling it up.”

But when a lot of people let off a lot of steam, it gets rough out there, as it says in today’s paper:

…More Americans are seeing therapists for anger. More are in anger management classes. And more schools are calling in experts to teach students how to solve problems without using fists.

But most angry folks are either stewing or taking their rage out on roads, co-workers and loved ones….

“People are very convinced they are seeing much more rude and angry behavior,” said Jean Johnson, senior vice president of Public Agenda, a nonprofit opinion research organization. “They find it very disturbing.”…

As politicians egg on furiously divided voters during this presidential election season, unruly students are driving teachers out of the classroom, and rude store clerks provoke customers to walk out without buying….

Bad behavior is troubling, mental health experts say, because it eats holes in the social fabric, from family life to schools to the democratic process. Anger also makes people sick. It can lead to more heart disease, headaches, stomach problems and depression. When anger gets out of control, people scream, yell and, sometimes, hit.

Some anger specialists, of course,

want to get dysfunctional anger classified as a disorder like anxiety and depression. Such a classification would give anger a standard definition and a way to gauge whether it’s more widespread, as some researchers now suspect. They hope their work also could lead to a better understanding of anger and more treatments for the short-fused who walk among us, work beside us and live with us.

That’s all we need, another official disease to which government programs can be attached.

There’s no need for all of this testing and psychologizing. There are two things you can do to remove most of the anger from your life:

1. Retire, so that you no longer have to put up with bosses, co-workers, deadlines, and commuting.

2. After you’ve retired, move to a place that’s far from where you spent your working life, so that you distance yourself from all of the bad memories of that place.

And if you can’t do those things just yet, here’s what you can do: Twice a day, retreat to a place where no one can hear you and scream as loudly as you can for about a minute. Just vent to your heart’s content. If everyone would do that the world would become a much saner place.

I’ll send you my bill at the end of the month.

Next patient.

I remember reading about the fire that destroyed 100 pieces of contemporary “art” in Charles Saatchi’s collection. The fire was generally thought to be an an appropriate act of God. Now I know why. See for yourself.

UPDATED

Worst head of government (next to Jacques Chirac): President Gloria Arroyo of the Philippines

Worst post-Clintonian coverup: Kleptomaniac Sandy Berger

Worst coverage of post-Clintonian coverup: New York Times

Loudest whiners: Moveon.org and Common Cause

Most self-indulgent yuppie couple: Amy and Peter, baby-killers

Always a loser: Yasser Arafat

Always losers: California’s (girlie men) Democrats

Latest blow to the pseudo-science of climatology: The real cause of global warming

Worst “professional” economist: Paul Krugman

Least principled columnist (a lot of competition for this one): Paul Krugman (this is a minute sample)

Worst liar (also hotly contested): Joe Wilson

Worst musical performance: Linda Ronstadt

Tom Smith at The Right Coast asks “what is Canadian culture? And is it worth preserving?” Beats me. I say that as an American (I insist on the label, our neighbors north and south notwithstanding) whose ancestors are Anglo-Canadian (father’s side) and French-Canadian (mother’s side).

Canada is the U.S. with a colder climate. (Quebec? Think of Louisiana as a popsicle.) What does Canada have that we lack in the U.S.? Higher gasoline prices, socialized medicine, less freedom of speech, a serious secessionist movement, and a Queen. (Yes, the British Monarch is still considered Queen of Canada, for what that’s worth.)

“Canadian culture” isn’t exactly an oxymoron, it’s more like a talking dog: a bizarre curiosity. Canada has given us some wonderful writers: Robertson Davies, Carol Shields (ex-American), and Elizabeth Hay, to name most of them. But that hardly makes up for Peter Jennings.

Michelle Malkin is having an “All Wet T-Shirt Contest”. As she says, “it’s not what you think.” She got the idea from a “USA Today feature on Hollywood leftists who are marketing political t-shirts.” So she’s “inviting readers to leave their suggested t-shirt slogans for their favorite stars.” Just click on the link above and add your entry by scrolling to “Post a comment” at the bottom.

Most of the entries are fairly lame, but there are a few good ones, espcially this one from “KB”:

Because of George W. Bush, I lost my job, my home, and my two sons were killed in an unjust war. Stop the madness. Vote Kerry.

-Saddam Hussein

Here are mine:

T-shirts for any left-wing celebrity:

Front:
Freedom Is Precious
Back:
Why Waste It on Iraqis?

Front:
Peace on Earth
Back:
At Any Price

Front:
Guns Kill
Back:
So Beware My Bodyguard

Front:
I Love GIs
Back:
If They’re Cute
(suitable for either gender, in Hollywood)

Front:
Bush and Ashcroft Are Fascist Pigs
Back:
So Why Am I Still Walking Around Wearing This Stupid T-shirt?

You be the judge.

Driving habits that seem to have become universal in the past several years:

1. Pulling onto the road in front of an oncoming vehicle when it’s the only vehicle in sight.

2. Looping left to make a right turn, and vice versa.

3. Making an abrupt turn without giving a signal, when there are other drivers around you who would benefit from knowing your plans.

4. Going just slow enough to make it through a light as it turns yellow, then speeding up after the cars behind you have braked for the light.

5. Staying in the left lane of an interstate highway while driving at the speed limit (or slower). (This habit dates back at least 20 years, but it has become standard practice in certain places: Virginia and Florida, to name two.)

6. Going 55 mph in the middle lane of an interstate highway when the speed limit is 65 or 70 mph. (Can’t you and the jerks in the left lane read the signs that say “Slower Traffic Keep Right”?)

7. Getting all ticked off and speeding up when someone tries to pass you on an interstate highway, even though you had been dawdling along obliviously at 55 mph.

8. Yielding the right of way when it’s yours — out of a misplaced sense of courtesy — thus confusing the driver who doesn’t have the right of way and causing traffic behind you to back up needlessly.

9. Of course, there’s talking on a cell phone while driving in heavy traffic.

10. Then there’s talking on a cell phone while driving in heavy traffic and leaning into the back seat to slap your child. (Here’s a case where I think the government should confiscate your car — and your child.)

11. How about those drivers who cross the center line while taking a curve because they can’t exert the bit of effort required to stay in the proper lane? (What, no power steering, you self-centered jerks?)

12. Don’t you love those drivers who like to take corners by cutting across the oncoming lane of traffic? Jerks, jerks, jerks.

13. Then there are the drivers who simply drive down the middle of unstriped roads and parking-lot lanes. They either have poor spatial judgment, suffer from extreme nervousness, or flunked sharing in Kindergarten.

14. What are those stripes for on either side of a parking space? Might they be meant to be parked between? No, they’re just targets to aim for. As long as your car is straddling one stripe or the other, you’re okay. SUV drivers — being mostly obnoxious jerks — are the worst offenders, but yuppie women in small BMWs are close contenders.

The longer I make this list, the more irritated I get. I’m ready to hop in my car and go 30 mph through a 20 mph school zone. Then I will keep going 30 mph when I get onto a nice 45 mph boulevard. Then I will honk at you if you dare pass me. Why not? Everyone else seems to do it.

I’m sure we’ll hear from Human Rights Watch about this (courtesy AP via Yahoo News):

Saudi al-Qaida Leader Reportedly Killed

CAIRO, Egypt – The purported leader of al-Qaida in Saudi Arabia was killed in a raid in the capital Friday, Saudi security officials said. Abdulaziz al-Moqrin, 31, was killed by security forces who had surrounded militants in a downtown neighborhood shortly after the discovery of the body of an American killed earlier in the evening, the officials said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Or perhaps Madonna will share her views with us.

Headline from AP, via Yahoo News:

Research Shows Dogs Can Comprehend Words

Science once again catches up with reality.

Driving habits that seem to have become universal in the past several years:

1. Looping left to make a right turn, and vice versa.

2. Making an abrupt turn without giving a signal, when there are other drivers around you who would benefit from knowing your plans.

3. Going just slow enough to make it through a light as it turns yellow, then speeding up after the cars behind you have braked for the light.

4. Staying in the left lane of an interstate highway while driving at the speed limit (or slower). (This habit dates back at least 20 years, but it has become standard practice in certain places: Virginia and Florida, to name two.)

5. Going 55 mph in the middle lane of an interstate highway when the speed limit is 65 or 70 mph. (Can’t you and the jerks in the left lane read the signs that say “Slower Traffic Keep Right”?)

6. Getting all ticked off and speeding up when someone tries to pass you on an interstate highway, even though you had been obliviously dawdling along at 55 mph.

7. Yielding the right of way when it’s yours — out of a misplaced sense of courtesy — thus confusing the driver who doesn’t have the right of way and causing traffic behind you to back up needlessly.

8. Of course, there’s talking on a cell phone while driving in heavy traffic.

9. Then there’s talking on a cell phone while driving in heavy traffic and leaning into the back seat to slap your child. (Here’s a case where I think the government should confiscate your car — and your child.)

10. How about those drivers who cross the center line while taking a curve because they can’t exert the bit of effort required to stay in the proper lane? (What, no power steering, you self-centered jerks?)

11. And how about those drivers who like to take corners by cutting across the oncoming lane of traffic? Jerks, jerks, jerks.

12. What are those stripes for on either side of a parking space? Might they be meant to be parked between? No, they’re just targets to aim for. As long as your car is straddling one stripe or the other, you’re okay. SUV drivers — being mostly obnoxious jerks — are the worst offenders, but yuppie women in small BMWs are close contenders.

The longer I make this list, the more irritated I get. I’m ready to hop in my car and go 30 mph through a 20 mph school zone. Then I will keep going 30 mph when I get onto a nice 45 mph boulevard. Then I will honk at you if you dare pass me. Why not? Everyone else seems to do it.

This is a farce in three acts. The first act takes place in the presidential study near the Oval Office — also known as the nookie nook. Act two is set in the presidential boudoir, where the air is definitely chilly. Act three takes place beyond the great divide, that is, when Willie Whatsit meets the Chief Justice of us all.

Act I: In the Nookie Nook

Willie Whatsit: Wow, Veronica, that was great!

Monica Crapinsky: It’s Monica, you schmuck. Get it right. That’s only the fourteenth time I’ve given you a back rub, lard butt.

WW: Well, as leader of the free world, commander-in-chief of the armed forces, and first fund-raiser I’ve got too much on my mind to remember a detail like your first name.

MC: You’d better remember it, buster, because I’ve just been subpoenaed to testify against you in a wrongful discharge suit.

WW: But I haven’t fired anyone since I cleaned out the travel office to make room for the meetings of Hillary’s coven.

MC: Oh, I meant to say “paternity suit.” Paternity, wrongful discharge, same thing. Get it?

WW: Yuk-yuk-yuk. You’re as funny as Orrin Hatch eating a sour pickle. Anyway, if I’m the sue-ee, who’s the sue-er?

MC: You have to ask?

WW: Of course I have to ask. It could be almost anyone, couldn’t it?

Act II: In the Deep Freeze

WW enters the presidential boudoir to find Hillary Ramrod — his liberated, emancipated, and constipated spouse — writing his State of the Union speech.

HR: I heard a rumor that you’ve been cavorting with an intern in your private study.

WW: Who told you that? Come on, I need to know so I can figure out how to wiggle out of this one.

HR: Since you’re not going to be able to wiggle out of this one, I’ll tell you. It was our favorite flack, Sid “The Snake” Loveinbloom.

WW: You can’t believe anything Sid tells you. He’s got the hots for you and he’d say anything to tear me down.

HR: Well, you of all people know that he can have all the “hots” he wants, but it won’t get him anywhere with me. I’ve sworn off sex since I discovered witchcraft. Double, double, toil and trouble, send money to Washington, on the double.

WW: I’m glad you have such a laid-back — I mean relaxed — attitude. I was afraid you’d heard about the paternity suit.

HR: What paternity suit?

WW: What do you mean “What paternity suit?” How do you expect me to keep track of them? Do you think I do all that fund-raising to help elect a bunch of yokels to Congress?

Scream of rage from HR. Blackout. Loud thwack (simulated by striking Arkansas watermelon with baseball bat).

Act III: Beyond the Blue Horizon

The Great Chief Justice in the Sky: How do you come to be here, Mr. Whatsit?

WW: That’s a trick question if I ever heard one. It depends on what you mean by “come.” Where am I, anyway?

CJ: You’re in the land of the final judgment — beyond civil suits, criminal prosecutions, and impeachment trials.

WW: I always thought you had a flowing white beard and wore a blinding white robe. Why are you wearing that silly black robe with gold stripes on the sleeves?

CJ: Shut up. I ask the questions here. And the robe’s not silly, Justice Sandy made it for me. Do you have anything to say for yourself before I pass sentence on you?

WW: I didn’t do it.

CJ: “It” what?

WW: It depends on what you mean by “it.”

CJ: Enough with the clever wordplay, already. Do you take me for some dumb Senator?

WW: You’re about the right age.

CJ: Before I get any older, I’m sentencing you, William Jefferson Whatsit, to eternal community service, in the “other place.”

WW: Is that the best you can do? The “other place” can’t be any hotter than an Arkansas summer, and I’ll be glad to service the community. There must be some hot babes down there.

CJ: Just for that, I’m changing the sentence. Earphones will be permanently affixed to your ears and you will be forced to listen to right-wing talk radio twenty-four hours a day for all eternity.

WW grins broadly.

CJ: How can that sentence cause you to smile?

WW: It could have been worse. You could have sentenced me to listen to Hillary.

CJ: Mmmm….

Lights dim. Drone of HR reading from It Takes A Village Idiot to Know One swells in volume.

It’s tax time. Let’s celebrate with a bit of revisionist literary history. William Shakespeare was a tax protestor. Think about the message hidden in the titles of several of his plays:

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream” is about a man who hopes soon to repay the money he borrowed to meet his tax bill. “Winter’s Tale” follows him through months of overtime work as he struggles to save money for his old age. In “Love’s Labor’s Lost” he confronts the ugly reality that his savings will go to the IRS. “A Comedy of Errors” depicts his travails with Form 1040 and its many schedules. In “Much Ado About Nothing” he discovers, alas, that he owes the IRS even more than he had feared. Stunned by the discovery, he decides in “Twelfth Night” (April 12) not to file a tax return and tears it into tiny pieces. He reconsiders, and “The Tempest” recounts his struggle to complete a new return by April 15. “As You Like It” celebrates his triumphal march to the Post Office on April 15, armed with a return that shows him even with the IRS. “All’s Well That Ends Well” is a fantasy in which the IRS finds no fault with our hero’s return.

Then there is the real text of Hamlet’s soliloquy:

To file or not to file — that is the question;

Whether ‘tis nobler in the pocketbook to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous taxes,

Or to take arms against a sea of instructions

And by ignoring evade them. To file — to pay —

No more; and by not paying to say we end

The headache and the thousand-dollar debts

That Uncle Sam is heir to — ‘tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish’d. To run — to hide —

To hide! Perchance in Bimini! Ay there’s the spot;

For in that sunny isle what dreams may come

When we have eluded the revenue agent

Must give us pause; there’s the reality

That makes mockery of such simple plans;

For who would bear the heat and hard bunks of Leavenworth;

The cell-block bully’s fist, the guard’s glare

The bagginess of prison garb, the sad children’s tears,

The righteousness of neighbors, and the spurns

That the gray-faced ex-con takes

When he himself might his quietus make

With a simple check? Who would these taxes bear,

To grunt and sweat under a glaring desk lamp,

But that the dread of something after April 15,

The uncelebrated penitentiary from whose walls

No inmate leaves, without parole,

And makes us rather bear those taxes we must

Than fly to Bimini or other exotic places?

Thus conscience does make taxpayers of us all….

• Smug cities (e.g., Austin, New York, and San Francisco — “We’re so cool.”)

• SUVs (“We’re more important than you; get out of our way.”)

• Tailgaters (usually SUVs)

• Tailgaters with their brights on

• Canned music

• Contemporary jazz — canned or live — in a restaurant

• The demise of dress codes in most expensive restaurants

• Squealing babies and noisy children in any restaurant that doesn’t have drive-through service

• Baggy clothing, skimpy clothing, and piercings

• Conversational filler: like, you know

• Driving while talking on a cell phone

• Talking on a cell phone in the presence of a captive audience (e.g., in a waiting room, airport lounge, or airplane)

• Playing a car stereo so loudly that it can be heard in the next car, if not a block away

• Failing to say “thank you” when someone holds a door open for you

• TVs that are always on

• Most of what’s on TV

• Most of what’s on radio

• Most of what’s in movies

• Most of what’s called music

• Most of the 20th century and all of the 21st century thus far