I’ve Got a Little List …

… of irritating persons to be taken out and shot,
And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who shout into their phones,
Baring inner secrets at the volume of  trombones –
All people who wear stubbly beards and iridescent tats –
All children who are petulant and whiny little brats –
All drivers who in changing lanes do so without a glance –
And others who stare at green lights as if in lost a trance –
They’d none of ‘em be missed–they’d none of ‘em be missed!

CHORUS. He’s got ‘em on the list–he’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed–they’ll none of
‘em be missed.

There’s the rap and hip-hop devotee, and the others of his ilk,
And the break-dance enthusiast–I’ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat a sushi roll and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed–they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
Films that don’t have endings, and all races but his own;
And the “lady” in the leotard, who looks just like a guy,
And who doesn’t need to marry, but would rather like to
try;
And that singular anomaly, the wealthy socialist–
I don’t think he’d be missed–I’m sure he’d not he missed!

CHORUS. He’s got him on the list–he’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think he’ll be missed–I’m sure
he’ll not be missed!

And that jurisprudential malcontent, who just now is rather rife,
The loose constructionist–I’ve got him on the list!
All perfumed fellows, girly men, and dykes who seek a “wife”–
They’d none of ‘em be missed–they’d none of ‘em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as–What d’ye call him–Thing’em-bob, and
likewise–Never-mind,
And ‘St–’st–’st–and What’s-his-name, and also You-know-who–
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ‘em be missed–they’d none of ‘em be
missed!

CHORUS. You may put ‘em on the list–you may put ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed–they’ll none of
‘em be missed!
__________
Adapted from W.S. Gilbert’s lyrics for “I’ve Got a Little List,” which is sung by the character Ko-Ko in Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado (1885).  The original lyrics, with annotations, may be found here. The last seven lines of the final verse are unchanged, Gilbert’s remarks about “statesmen” being timeless.